Quick Hit and a (Short) Vacation

So, I just wanted to say that I’m doing really well on the Hundred Pushup challenge.  I’ve started it at LEAST 3 times now.  LOL, eventually I’ll get to Day 2!!!  (In all honestly, I will eventually finish it: dude, I’d be stoked if I could even do FIFTY!!!  That’d be AWESOME!  :D)

In other news I’m going to my mom’s for the weekend to make a bridesmaid dress for my friend’s wedding in 2 weeks, so I don’t know if I’ll be posting much for the next few days.  Regular posting will commence Monday.  Anything before then is your lucky break!  Ha! 

See (write?) you all Monday!

Screw Progress, I’ll Take Perfection

Ok, well I’m not really serious about the perfection thing.  Well, I mean, I AM, but I know I won’t get it.  (Right?  No chance?  Are you sure?  Damn.)

I am a SERIOUS perfectionist.  I’ve gotten a lot better over the last few years, but it’s that part of me that adheres SO RIGIDLY to a diet right up until I screw it up and then chuck it all because I FAILED.  There is no “progress” in my head: there is Excellence and there is Failure.  I’m working on that, but it’s funny to see how much I’ve really internalized it - that mentality pops up in all kinds of odd places. 

Part of that comes from being labeled a “gifted” child.  I was a really smart kid, and I never really had to learn persistence as a child: being good at stuff was just built in to my brain, so I never had to be persistent about anything.  There is a line in the movie “Good Will Hunting,” where Minnie Driver asks Matt Damon about how he can think organic chemistry is easy.  And he says something like, “Some people just get stuff.  Mozart looked at a keyboard and saw music.  He could just play.  Me, I see a bunch of black and white keys that mean nothing.  But when it comes to stuff like organic chemistry . . . I can just play.”  And I was that kid.  Nothing mental was hard, nothing academic required work - I could just play.  (My mom says the first time I got into a ballet class and realized I wasn’t just perfect at it without trying, that it was like seeing a big “TILT” sign over my head: it just didn’t compute,  LOL.)  But I think that translates into an expectation that I will ALWAYS just be good at everything, all the time.  And it’s a pretty deeply ingrained expectation because in many ways, it’s always been true - at least in the ways we encounter when we’re kids. 

As an adult, though?  It doesn’t really work that way.  Nothing is easy or cut-and-dried - there are all these shades of grey.  And that’s the part I struggle with the most, I think: that whole concept of baby steps, of getting back on the proverbial horse, with the idea that I won’t stumble across one thing that is the Right and Perfect Diet (or Life) Plan For Me And Which I Will Never Screw Up. 

This might be a bad time to mention this, but I have no idea where this post is going.  I thought I knew, but . . . um . . . apparently not. 

Anyway.

So it seems like a bonehead thing to say, “Well, THAT idea didn’t work for the week that I tried it, after 31 years of doing something totally different.  So it must not be the right idea!”  Seems silly, right?  But that’s always my reaction.  Hell, I don’t know, maybe that’s EVERYONE’S reaction.  Beats me.  But there was a lot of good stuff in the comments to the last post about baby steps and getting back on the horse and reframing and not giving up. 

And the other thing I have to remember is that I have to find something that works for ME.  If I know it makes me crazy to think “I can’t have [x],” then I have to find a way not to think that. 

It’s funny how sometimes the Powers that Be (God, Universe, Spirit, Great Cosmic Muffin, whatever) show up in your life when you need them most.  I came across a post at All My Jiggly Bits (I can’t write that without giggling) yesterday called “HELP: What is Eating Right?” that addressed a LOT of the same stuff I’m dealing with.  Down on the 18th comment, Em said:

Limiting your consumption of something that you like isn’t necessarily ‘dieting’. It can just mean keeping that thing special. You’ll enjoy it more if you don’t have it all the time.

And in some ways the end result of that action isn’t really any different from “cheating,” but it IS a way of thinking about it differently: a way of looking forward to something instead of walking through the days thinking “Must not eat [x].”  And the word “treat” has SUCH a different connotation for me than the word “cheat.”  Because I have NEVER been a “cheater” - I have ALWAYS been “perfect.”  But even perfect people get a treat now and then, right?  (Hm.  Suddenly I feel like a performing dog, LOL.)

So I won’t chuck the new eating plan just beacuse I had a hard moment (or two).  And I might do some reframing, as recommended.  And I’ll remember that what works for someone else might not work quite the same for me, and that THAT’S OK.

And now I’m really tired of writing.  LOL

Physician, heal thyself

Hey, I just noticed that my last post was my 100th post.  Neat! 

Anyway.

So after yesterday when I was all (insert holier-than-thou voice here), “Oh I haven’t binged in forever and it’s all because of Intuitive Eating, and oh, by the way I’m kind of on a diet, but kind of not, because it’s just for my health, but I’m losing weight and not eating refined carbs” and on and on and on? 

Um, yeah.  Last night?  Was not so great.  I’ve been really depressed for the last couple of days (ok, 4 or 5 days), for no reason that I can pin down.  Seriously.  The kind of depressed where I left the grocery store on Saturday, got in the car, and just started crying.  No reason for it.  Wasn’t even sad about anything specific. 

I actually wondered if it was because I was eating fewer carbs, since carbs are nature’s Special Mood Regulators (”potatoes not prozac” and all that jazz).  I wasn’t totally sure, but the fact that I’d been thinking about bread and sugar a LOT over the last week (you know, when I was trying not to eat so much of it) made me think that it was either my body telling me it needed carbs, or it was my brain obsessing over them because OMG I CAN’T EAT THEM!!!  *sigh*  And neither one of those scenarios is a good one.

So last night was my very first binge in a VERY long time.  Interesting how it coincides so neatly with NOT eating intuitively, dammit.  And it wasn’t really a “binge” by anyone’s standards but mine: I had a couple of those “chick beers” (you know those Hard Lemonade things?  I LOVE those) and a piece of cake that was in the freezer.  And some coleslaw.  And 2 glasses of wine.  (But it was red wine, so it was good for me, right?  RIGHT?  LOL)  But it was a binge by MY standards - not because of how much I ate but because of WHY and HOW I was eating: mindlessly and uncontrollably, standing over the sink just shoveling it in as fast as I could (which is really embarassing to admit, btw).  And it was specifically sugar that I was after, which ties back in with trying to eat fewer refined carbs and either needing them physically or obsessing over them mentally (I’m still not sure which it was - probably a combination of the two).

I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll sort of split the difference and go back to eating oatmeal in the morning for breakfast, and see what that does to my system.  The really sucky part is that I was kind of enjoying the weight loss (which yeah, I know is dangerous territory for me, but there you go).  And now the thought of eating oatmeal every morning freaks me right the hell out: BUT WHAT IF I STOP LOSING WEIGHT???  SCREW FEELING BETTER!  I WANNA BE SKINNY!!11!!!!eleventy-one!!!

Ahem.  Crazy Bitch, anyone?  Anyone?  If you want her, you can have her.  No? No takers?  Damn.

Either way, I’m back to the question: when you know something makes you sick, how do you eat less of it without obsessing over it to the point of insanity?  You know, that whole, “Must not eat sugar, must not eat sugar, MUST EAT SUGAR” phenomenon. 

Maybe I just need to make myself really, really, REALLY sick a few times.  Aversion therapy works wonders on stuff like that.  (Kidding, I’m kidding.  I think.)

Paradigm shifts

So you know what’s weird?  The fact that I have had some serious writer’s block since I got so many new visitors.  Seriously.  Nothing seems good enough to say suddenly, now that I know people out there are actually reading this, LOL. 

I had an idea that this would happen, because MizFit asked if she could link over here before she actually did, and I had a moment of panic when I thought about it.  Then I thought about it some more and decided I was being a dork, and that maybe possibly this should be something I should deal with - “this” being the overwhelming need to have EVERYONE like me ALL THE TIME.  Because you know, the more people who visit here, the more likely someone won’t like it (me), and well, you know, I CAN’T HAVE THAT, RIGHT?? 

Lordy.

The funny thing is, that people-pleaser part of me is only half the story.  The other half of me is a, “You don’t like what I have to say?  Kiss my ass” sort of person.  So it’s a little weird to have those two dynamics coexisting in my head.  I’m not sure how that works, actually, but there it is.

So mostly this is kind of a filler post, where I remind myself that I don’t have to actually be all profound and entertaining and educational and whatever other pompous adjectives I can think of.  It’s still my journal.  And the whole, “What if people don’t like me?  I should CHANGE! BE DIFFERENT! PLEASE EVERYONE!” panic is just freakin’ ridiculous.

Did I mention that’s easier said than done sometimes, though? 

Oh, I did want to say that in the comments to the Intuitive Eating post, there seemed to be an overarching theme of not being able to trust yourself around eating whatever you want.  And honestly, that was the hardest, scariest thing for me to deal with, but this post helped a LOT.  Mostly because that “Kiss my ass if you don’t like it” part of me does really well with the idea that “You-are-not-the-boss-of-me.”  (That was actually the old title for this blog in Blogger.  LOL)  So the part in there where the author writes this:

I mean, think about it for two seconds. People are selling plans that allow you to “eat what you want,” to the tune of billions. That’s lunacy. Because I love you, I shall offer you the Kate Harding Lifetime Diet Plan — which permits you to eat whatever you want — absolutely free! It goes like this:

DAY 1:

Eat whatever you want. It’s your body. You’re allowed.

DAY 2 THROUGH DEATH:

Repeat Day 1.

That part about “It’s your body.  You’re allowed” was fucking REVOLUTIONARY for me.  It was sort of one of those “Duh” moments like, “Well, DUH, who ELSE do I have to answer to?  The people who tell me what I’m ’supposed’ to eat/weight/aspire to/think?  THEY ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!”  *grin*  See how that “Boss-of-me” thing works?  Sometimes it’s handy.

So I really, really, REALLY recommend going and reading that post (and if you have time, the comments, but there are a LOT of them, just fyi). 

And for what it’s worth, when I started making an effort to really listen to my body, and to give it what it wanted (even if that was sugar or chips or whatever), I found that after about a week or 10 days my binges stopped and that most of the time I really didn’t want the junk food, anyway.  I was just eating it because it was there, or because I was in a situation where I had “permission” or because . . . hell I don’t know.  Maybe I was afraid of a national frosting shortage (because frosting is the whole POINT of cake, you know).

Aaaaaaanyway.  I think I have my mental space back from the “Please everyone” monster, now.  So that’s good. 

Quick hit: Vanity, thy name is Blonde

Soooo . . . I’ve been trying to run/walk/whatever in the park every MWF.  But I’m not doing anything tonight.

“Why?”  I hear you cry.

Because I got my hair colored SERIOUSLY blond last night, and am not supposed to wash it for 2-3 days.  So sweating?  Is OUT.

Priorities people, priorities.  And boy, do I have them. 

Welcome, MizFits!

Thank you for stopping by!  *waves*  It’s nice to meet you all!  And thanks, MizFit, for the link!  (I just realized I haven’t written anything in this post that doesn’t have an exclamation point yet!  And it’s starting to annoy even me!  So I have to knock that crap off!  LOL)

Aaaaanyway.  Feel free to look around, but a word of warning: I have NO ability to be short or to-the-point.  Ha!  The “About Me” tab is probably the best place to start: it’s the shortest, most to-the-point thing I’ve got on here, and it’s a halfway decent overview of this blog (subject to change according to my whim, of course ;D).  Beyond that . . . you’re on your own, kids.  Take your jacket and look both ways before you cross the street!  It’s a scary place out there in my head. 

So, that’s it!  Have fun!  (Again with the exclamation points!  WHAT is THAT about??) 

Part 1 - Intuitive Eating

Yes, that’s right: it’s a double-post Thursday!  Actually, this post and the one below started life as one REALLY LONG post, but then . . . they were kind of separate things, after all.  But they’re both in my head, so I’m posting them both, and they’re kind of related, so my recommendation is to read them both together.  Or not.  Because let’s face it: if you don’t, I’m not gonna know!  LOL

So.  I’ve been eating fewer (refined) carbohydrates in an effort to balance my blood sugar.  And it’s been working pretty well, which is SO neat.  It’s nice not to be exhausted all the time - who knew?  LOL.  Last night I went hiking with a friend of mine and then afterward we went to this KICKASS macrobiotic restaurant downtown for dinner.  Without thinking I ordered my favorite thing on the menu: seared tuna with avocado, sprouts and pickled onions on a whole wheat bun.  My friend also got some baked fries for us to split.  After I placed my order and paid I thought, “Oh, crap.  I’m not supposed to be eating bread.”  And then I thought, “This is EXACTLY the kind of thinking you need to knock off!  You’re not ‘dieting!’  You only go hiking once a week, and you missed last week, so a freakin’ hamburger bun and a few fries once a week (at the most) aren’t going to kill you.  DO NOT get neurotic about this!”  So I enjoyed my “burger” and as many fries as I wanted (which always turns out to be fewer than I would have eaten if I thought of them as “bad” foods, interestingly enough).

But.

By the time I got home to my apartment, I had a KILLER stomachache.  The kind with the sharp, stabbing pain in your lower stomach?  Anyone?  Just me?  Oooooookay, then.  I took some (more) enzymes and waited for the pain to subside enough to fall asleep.  And this morning when I woke up, I just couldn’t bring myself to eat eggs.  I still felt a little sick, and (ironically) I wanted BREAD.

Now here’s the thing I run into with Intuitive Eating: I really do believe that nine times out of ten, my body KNOWS what it needs.  If I wander around the farmer’s market and think, “Oo, fennel looks good!” then I buy fennel because I figure there’s probably a nutrient in there I need that day.  If I feel like I really want some peanut butter, I just eat it.  And so forth.  But this morning I got up and wanted bread like WHOA.  And I KNOW it will make me sick again - that has been borne out again and again in my experience.  So why do I want something that I KNOW will make me sick?  (I know, I know: brain chemicals are the answer.)  And it wasn’t like an inner 7-year-old that WANTS IT WANTS IT WANTS IT!!!  *insert foot stamping here*  It was the same sort of want that I get for certain vegetables or certain meat sometimes.  So now what?  How do I reconcile the IE with the knowlege that sometimes stuff like that makes me sick?  (As it turned out, I had a glass of milk and a couple spoonfuls of hazelnut butter for breakfast: no refined carbs, but enough fat and carbs to settle my stomach and some protein to “stick to my ribs.”  It was, interestingly, the only thing other than BREAD that sounded even remotely good to eat.)

Actually, maybe I just answered my own question above: “It was, interestingly, the only thing other than BREAD that sounded even remotely good to eat.”  Maybe the answer with the IE is to say, “Ok, I know that [x] food will make me sick, so even if I want it, I’m not going to eat it.  So the next question is, what ELSE sounds good?”  And then eat whatever else sounds good.  Even if it’s just milk and hazelnut butter.  (Can I just say that I had an elementary school flashback this morning while I ate that?  A big ol’ glass of milk and a spoonful of nut butter.  I felt like I was 8 years old, LOL.)

*Edited to add: my system is TOTALLY screwed from that bread.  I had a pretty small breakfast, and it’s almost 11:30 in the morning and food STILL sounds gross.  Wow.

Part 2 - Be Careful What You Wish For

And the above post (Part 1) leads me to this: since I started eating fewer refined carbs, there has been an interesting side effect: I’m losing weight. 

Six months ago, I would have been STOKED, but now?  Now I’m not sure I’m happy about it.  Or rather, the disordered part of my brain is jumping up and down, pumping its fists in the air and screaming “YESSSSSS!  ON OUR WAY TO SKINNY, BABY!”  But the sane part of me is saying, “Dammit.  I was just finally, FINALLY getting to the point where the Crazy Bitch in my head was quieting down and I was getting to be ok with just taking care of myself for the sake of JUST TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.” 

So this is weird.  I’m simultaneously excited and dismayed that the numbers on the scale are dropping.  And I’m losing fast, so I know it’s water weight, not REAL weight, blah, blah, blah, but still.  It seriously takes every bit of self-control I have not to get on the scale.  A LOT.  (I tried to put it in the closet and make it inconvenient, but that didn’t work.  And throwing it out is so NOT gonna happen yet.  It gives me anxiety attacks to even think about that - which is ironic, since when I was the most disordered, I didn’t HAVE a scale.  I was all about the tape measure.) 

Now, bear in mind that my losing weight could be attributable to a number of things.  I’m finally getting into the habit of taking thyroid supplements, which means I’m taking them more regularly (ahem).  And there is the lack of carbs, for whatever that’s worth.  And the fact that I recently started getting more active again lately.  And the fact that I’m also taking some other supplements for other problems.  AND the fact that my blood sugar isn’t spiking and dropping (because of fewer refined carbs).  So basically, my body is starting to regulate itself. 

There are SO MANY factors for why I’m losing weight (and I know that my weight could level out any minute), but all I can hear in my head is Crazy Bitch muttering things like, “See, all that time you really WERE just lazy and slobby and FATFATFATFATFAT!!!  You could have lost the weight if you had just RESTRICTED a LITTLE MORE and EXERCISED a LITTLE MORE.  You were just a lazy, bad FATTY and you’re STILL a lazy, bad FATTY!  You.  Are.  Disgusting.”  But.  I know that because of my jacked-up metabolism, I would have had to get down to no more than 800 calories a day, with at least 60 minutes of hard-core, barf-inducing cardio in order to lose weight.  (I’ve done it.  It’s not fun.)  In retrospect, I’m sure my thyroid had something to contribute to my inability to lose weight, too (although I didn’t know it at the time).  So the REALITY is that restricting my food “a LITTLE MORE” and exercising a “LITTLE MORE” would NOT NOT NOT have made a difference.  I KNOW I’m not lazy or undisciplined or any of that shit.

But it’s still tough to hear in my head.  And every time that scale drops, I hear it again.  (Because yanno, you’re only a worthwhile human being if you’re thin.  Whatever.)

On the other hand, maybe that’s a good thing.  Getting on the scale activates the issue, and I can grapple with it directly.  I don’t want to ignore Crazy Bitch and pretend that she’s not there - I want her OUT.  So avoiding the things that “trigger” Crazy Bitch isn’t the answer, at least not for me.  Six months ago I wouldn’t have been strong enough to sit in my head and hear her ranting without capitulating entirely: “You’re right, I’m sorry, I don’t even deserve to EAT AT ALL.”  Now, after reading all the FA blogs in the feeds and in my blogroll I can sit there and listen to her and still say, “Yeah, but you are in-fucking-SANE, Crazy Bitch.  And you’re wrong.  So shut the hell up, because YOUARENOTTHEBOSSOFME!!!!”  (Sometimes that inner 7-year-old is handy, you know?  LOL)

Aaaaaanyway.  Life is . . . “entertaining,” these days. 

*sings* Dun, dun DUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

Ok, that was supposed to be the old horror movie music. 

Someone has found me out.  I never told anyone I know about this blog, because I wanted it to be someplace where I could vent safely about whatever was on my mind.  The only reason I kept a blog instead of a journal was for my narcissism accountability.  See, at the time I started writing, I was still acting, and I figured that if I ever “made it” that people would Google me and come across this site and that they might feel better knowing that even someone who had “made it” struggled with weight and self-esteem, because I know I would LOVE to see a blog from someone famous saying, “Hey, things sucked for a long time.  Hang in there, it gets better.”  So I hoped to be that person.  (What?  I admitted I was a narcissist.  ;))

Anyway, I check my Blog Stats regularly, mostly because I think it’s interesting to see what other blogs people are coming from and what Google searches they’re using that lead them here.  So I know I’ve been found out by someone I know because over the last 2 days someone has entered my first and last name into Google and then viewed this site.  Four times.  Each day.  Ahem.  And I have a REALLY weird name, so it’s not like someone could just pull it out of a hat and find me out of sheer luck.  (Marste really is my first name, so for someone to type that in with the CORRECT last name?  Not a coincidence.)

(Actually, know what’s really cool?  When I Googled myself just now to see where on the list this blog came up - it was the third entry, btw - the first two sites that come up under my name are for a short film and a play I was in.  That’s kind of neat.)

I figured eventually someone I know would stumble across it, but it’s still a little weird not to be anonymous anymore.  (I know that was the original intent, but I’ve gotten used to my relative anonymity.)

Helloooooo whomever is out there and knows better than to tell me you found me!  *waves* 
(I hope I didn’t write anything bad about the person who found me.  That could get dicey.)

Things that make you go “Woot!”

In the midst of all the emotional/mental drama that I direct toward my body, I have to share something cool.

I have always been pretty fit, no matter what my weight.  It usually surprises people - sometimes it even surprises me!  And I don’t have to do much to maintain that - I think it’s a holdover from all the dancing I did in my childhood and teen years that my body seems to build and retain muscle pretty easily.

But about 3 weeks ago I went hiking with a friend of mine (in Runyon Canyon, if you’re familiar with Los Angeles).  We took the steep part up and the slightly-less-steep part down, because coming down the steep part means you REALLY have to watch your step: it’s not paved the way the slightly-less-steep part is, so you’re more likely to break your neck if you’re not a mountain goat.  And when we got to the top, I had to STOP AND REST.  We weren’t climbing aggressively, or moving fast.  We were moving steadily, but not particularly quickly, and my friend wasn’t even out of breath - but I was.

Oh, shit.

That was my “tipping point,” if you will.  I can handle being fat, but out of shape?  I’ve never REALLY been out of shape.  I’ve certainly been more in shape at some times than at other times, but never, NEVER really OUT of shape. 

So I decided to start walking/running in the park again (depending on whether the running hurt my knees or not).  The first day I did it (2 weeks ago)?  I walked it pretty fast - about 1.5 or 2 miles (I don’t know the exact length of the loop) - and I was OUT OF BREATH.  Just a little bit, but still.  Holy Mother of God.  I went back Wednesday and then Friday, and then last week M, W, F. 

This brings me to the thing that I LOVE about my body.  I build muscle really fast.  I build endurance really fast.  Even under the fat, I really have an athelete’s body: a body that without much encouragement at all will rapidly become strong and powerful.  (When I danced, my strongest area - no pun intended - was leaps and jumps because I had some rockin’ quads and calves.  I could usually get almost as much height, and even more “hang time” than the guys could, and that’s saying a LOT.)  I LOVE that about my body.

So.  By last Friday (the end of the 2nd week) I was running about half the time and NOT out of breath.  And this weekend, when I was trying on bridesmaid dresses, I saw the muscle definition of my quads already coming back around my knees (even through the fat, LOL).  I figure that Mother Nature didn’t give me the ability to lose weight easily, and I’m grateful for that, because I really would have been a dancer, and that means that it’s highly likely I would still be sick and eating disordered.  Instead I have to learn to accept and love myself exactly the way that I am, which is really a tremendous gift. 

But that part of me that craves instant gratification?  Is really, really glad that I build muscle so fast.  It gives me some marker of progress toward being healthier just a week or two out of the gate. 

I might stay fat, but I can still be strong and powerful.  Woot!